The Season

Every once in a while, I find myself in this place. This unidentifiable "season," that quite frankly, I do not much enjoy. Normally, it takes being at the latter end of the season for me to see it for it's purpose. But this time, I am wondering if God is willing to teach me sooner. Give me His eyes, while i'm midst the "season," so that his glory may be increased. For me, the process of learning is lived out heavily in writing. So forgive me if this post falls short of any expectations you may have. Because to be honest, I have no expectations but to write and to sort through my thoughts in what will most likely be an unorganized, caotic mess. 
                               
Just love me.

Call me sinner, but throughout my Christian life I have frequently found myself doubting Christ in me. Not necessarily Christ himself (though because I'm human, I've probably been there too) but rather Christ is His daughter, Katelyn Bridges. And not my salvation, just the power of Christ in me to advance the Gospel. Think of it like a questioning of God's right-mindness when he chose me. I think it might had gotten to the point where God was calling me to take a step of faith OUT of my unbelief and into belief in myself as a woman of God, and I failed to take it. For me, it was much easier to wallow around in the shame and guilt and bondage of my past, then it was to just receive grace. Seriously, no one ever told me receiving grace would be hard. I mean even just a small precoursor to the difficulty of comprehending the fact that "God has infintely more grace than I have sin" would've been nice.

All that being said, lately I've begun to brokenly allow God to seap his way past all of the "presentable" places of my heart, the ones that I've so eagerly showed him, and make a gentle home in all the dark corners of my past that I've tried so desperately to forget about myself. This has been a somewhat overwhelming experience. The kind that makes opening the word intimidating and closing it weakening. I am drained of energy. My thoughts are constantly flowing, which makes resting nearly impossible. I am being humbled by the moment.

The other night, as I was drifting in and out of sleep, my phone rang. A call from my past. A call that came with memories of brokeness and emptiness and pain. And as much as I hated the call, I loved what came out of it. For once since accepting Christ in April of 2009, the memories were just memories. They couldn't make me feel ashamed or worthless, or guilty or condemned; all the feelings they brought about for me four years ago. The memories had lost their power. The voice had lost it's power. My past sin had lost it's power over me.

Christ has won. The Gospel, the Gospel, the Gospel of Christ. It is freeing and it satisfies.

Godly womanhood is calling and our steps are far lighter when our feet are chainless.

"But the meek shall inherit the land and delight themselves in abundant peace." -Psalm 36:11